I'm Batman.

Being the absurdist that I'm and have always been, I always knew that even if this life has some meaning, I would never be able to find it. It's not like death fascinates me. No, death doesn't fascinates me at all. It's just the life that doesn't excites me anymore (or has never excited at all). I somehow always knew that no matter how hard I try I'd eventually end up being lonely. You can never be sure about anything because as they say, "you never know!", but somewhere deep down in me, I have had this belief and it's a firm belief that I'll die alone and as the time has passed, I've trained myself to embrace this loneliness and live with it peacefully. Now it's like me and my loneliness are living together and we both are very happy with everything that's happening around us.

People, at times, tend to think that I might have been heartbroken in love in the past or might be going through a rough break up. This is not true at all. My loneliness is not because of that. It is something else and it makes me feel helpless all the time. I'm helpless because I've no company to talk about this, to have a debate or a discussion over it. It's just me and my loneliness all the time. "Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man." These lines from Taxi Driver pretty much sum it up for me.

It's not the failure that has made me like this. It's something else. If my condition has to be described in one line, that line would be "I know one thing; that I know nothing". I've loved thinking ever since I had this revelation that I could actually think. I did it and I did it more and more. This created an urge inside me, an urge to know, an urge to find meanings. I then realized that I cannot find the meaning of each and everything and all my efforts to do so are eventually going to be futile. There are things that may or may not have a meaning, nothing can be said with certainty. But even if they have a meaning, you can never find that meaning, I know this for certain. And such is life. I do not know if this existence has any meaning or not but I couldn't find it and that I know for sure.

I stopped looking for meanings and started to make peace with this world but what I couldn't stop was thinking. "I think, therefore I suffer." It was then when loneliness started to creep in and I became what I am today.

When I say that songs like "Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaaye Toh Kya Hai" are my favorites and when I try to describe myself with urdu shayaris such as "Duniya Me Hoon, Duniya Ka Talabgaar Nahin Hoon", it is just not a mere liking towards some random song or some random shayari. It is a psychological and philosophical evolution that I've gone through. That Taxi Driver poster in my room is just not there because it's of some film that I liked. It's a film that have changed something inside me or have changed me altogether. My love for Jaun Elia's works or John Keat's works is also because of that. When I read them I feel that they must have had the same frustration. They must have had the same realization that it is all that we've done so far or are going to do is futile and we won't be remembered for it. There must be some fear inside them. Fear of not being able to do or achieve something meaningful, probably love, and make their stay worthwhile, I guess.

People may find my state pitiful. They may think it's all sad. Well, let me tell you, this isn't sad at all. This loneliness is not something that would push you into depression. The sad thing occurs when you decide to part yourself with the loneliness you've been living with all your life and make room for someone else to enter into your life and that someone else refuses to enter into your life. Yes, that's sad. That's tormenting. And if you keep tormenting yourself, that may push you into depression. And this is where the knowledge that everything is futile comes in handy. You stop trying and you make a safe return towards your loneliness which was always there waiting for you with open arms.

I'm a lonely man. I'm not sad, I'm not heartbroken, I'm not a failure, and I'm not arrogant. I'm just a lonely man who've realised that in long run we all are dead and till then it's only his loneliness that is going to be with him. I'm God's lonely man.

~ Himanshu (expressing himself)