The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Hapless Sociopath

O, Who am I kidding? I ain't getting any sleep. This ain't getting any better. Why tf am I even trying? It might not be night outside but it's all dark in here. It's all dark in my mind. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. I doubt if this tunnel is ever going to end. Or if I would make it till the end. What are all these emotions I've started to feel all of a sudden? I think I've lost all my superpowers. I'm becoming a human like everyone else. I've never missed anyone or anything. I've never been nostalgic. I've never felt attached to anyone or anything. I've never cared to be with anyone. I was born a lonely man and I was destined to be that way all my life. I cannot fathom why have I started to yearn to have someone around me all of a sudden. Why have I started to miss all those people I once didn't even bother to care about? I cannot fathom if all these emotions that I've started to feel lately are even bad or not. 

These days I'm not very happy. I do not know how I feel but this feeling is not happiness for sure. I've known this fact that I'll spend a lonely life and I had made peace with it but now all of the sudden I'm no more happy about it. I'm no more at peace. I'm feel intimidated. Intimidated from this loneliness. I don't want to be this way. I feel like I'm being betrayed, betrayed by my own self. I've never been a hopeless person but now I feel hopeless all the time. This is all around me. Why'd anyone want to end up being all alone in his life? No one wants to be lonely. Neither me nor anyone else. We all are just trying to deal with this eternal loneliness we've trapped ourselves into. I feel trapped and suffocating. All the time. My life is perfect like it has always been. I'm surrounded with good people, good food, and everything I like but I don't like this. I feel like I'm incomplete and I'll remain incomplete all my life.

When we Indians saw a film like "Lipstick Under My Burkha", we all first laughed during the film as if it was some ridiculous fantasy film that has no connection to reality whatsoever and then rejected it by saying that it's just an erotica, and nothing sort of feminist - not by any manner of means. It's not the comprehension that we lack. No, we all pretty much have that (or at least we claim to have). What we, the all of us, actually lack is insight to see things keeping our privileges aside and conscience to admit that such things are actually happening everywhere, even in our own homes, in our societies, and instead of doing this, what we do is to offer sheer indifference and ignorance, towards anything and everything. When we saw an elderly woman having sexual desires in the movie, we just couldn't digest it because we had never thought of anything like that. We've never had the insight to see into a woman's mind or life and know that she could also

Being the absurdist that I'm and have always been, I always knew that even if this life has some meaning, I would never be able to find it. It's not like death fascinates me. No, death doesn't fascinates me at all. It's just the life that doesn't excites me anymore (or has never excited at all). I somehow always knew that no matter how hard I try I'd eventually end up being lonely. You can never be sure about anything because as they say, "you never know!", but somewhere deep down in me, I have had this belief and it's a firm belief that I'll die alone and as the time has passed, I've trained myself to embrace this loneliness and live with it peacefully. Now it's like me and my loneliness are living together and we both are very happy with everything that's happening around us. People, at times, tend to think that I might have been heartbroken in love in the past or might be going through a rough break up. This is not true at al